


You couldn't save me from my heavydirtysoul

by Joshler4ever



Series: Blurryface [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cutting, Depression, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Josh is Sad, Josh wants to be beautiful, M/M, Suicide Attempt, hopefully, joshler - Freeform, this is the start of something beautiful, why is that a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 20:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7906957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joshler4ever/pseuds/Joshler4ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh is in love with Tyler. Tyler's in love with Jenna, so Josh takes extreme measures to try to make himself beautiful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You couldn't save me from my heavydirtysoul

**Author's Note:**

> Can you save my heavydirtysoul?
> 
> For me, for me, uh
> 
> Can you save my heavydirtysoul?
> 
> Death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit

Josh was sick. 

No, he wasn't throwing up, he didn't have a head ache, he wasn't sick in that way.

He was sick in the head, not sick as in mentally insane, he was sick in a way that not even someone like Tyler could put down on paper, because no amount of cleaver metaphors and yelling could make this sickness go away. He wished this sickness could just be cured with medicine and bed and Tyler's singing, but it wasn't like that. 

Josh was sad.

No he wasn't crying, no one had died, he didn't miss anyone. 

He was sad in a way that you can't explain, he was sad for no reason and for everything at the same time, he wished there was a way to tell someone but the words could never come out, even when he tried to build up the courage all day the words never came out. (He wonder if it's because he knows that he'll have another label to add to himself, or that no one will care) 

He needed help. He knew that since he day it started happening. Normal people didn't cut themselves because they thought they were worthless. Normal people don't throw up after every meal and act like everything was fine. Normal people don't get kicked out at seventeen for loving someone of the same gender. Normal people didn't love someone of the same sex. Normal people don't try to drown themselves at 18. 

He hates that word.

Normal.

Why is everyone but him normal?

If he were normal he would have a girlfriend, and he would have a boring job in an office building and he'd have two kids and a small house in a middle class neighbor hood. 

He'd go to family gatherings and make small talk with families members and cousins he hasn't seen in a while. But no that couldn't ever be him instead he was a gay man, in love with his best friend, who he's also in a band with. 

He felt like he should be angry but he wasn't. He was just sad.

And jealous.

Oh so jealous.

Jealous of Jenna black, the wife of his best friend Tyler Joseph, the man he was in love with. 

He loved everything about him, his eyes, how nose, his smile, his laugh, his voice, his singing. Everything, except the fact he had a ring on his finger and a beautiful women by his side. 

He wanted to be the one to hold him, he wanted to be the one to whisper I love you to him each night, he wanted to be the one to look after him when he was sick, he wanted to be the one to make him laugh when he was down, he wanted to be the one with a golden band on his finger, holding Tyler's hand while telling the interviewer about their wedding, he wanted to be the one who said I do while his mother cried tears of joy.

He hated Jenna. 

Well no he didn't, he hated the fact that she was dating the man he loved, Jenna was a lovely person, she was kind to everyone and made everyone laugh and smile, and you could clearly see why Tyler loved her so much. Josh wished she wasn't as nice or as kind or loveable, but he knew Tyler would find someone else, some other girl not him, no it could never be him. 

Tyler Joseph was not gay.

Josh Dun was. 

And he could not deal with those facts any more because he would give up the world for Tyler. He would do anything for him. He would die for him. Sure Tyler would do the exact same for him but for different reason.

He would give up the world for Josh, because he was his best friend. He would do anything for Josh, because he was his best friend. He would die for Josh, because he was his best friend. That's all he'll ever be; a best friend, not a boyfriend or not a husband, a best friend, Tyler's best friend. And Tyler can't see how much it hurts him. He never will.

He wants these feelings to stop. For them to go away. But they wouldn't. He wante-NO needed them to go away. He couldn't stay in love with Tyler because eventually he would find out; someone would tell them or he would figure it out or Josh would let it slip and it would all be over. His live would be over.

He would have no job, because Tyler would leave the band once he found out that Josh loved him, and his parents would know that he was gay because of how close their families were and he'd get cut off, he could imagine their disgusted faces and horrible remarks about his sexuality. Or maybe he'll be gone before this happens.

He hopes that he will be, because no one can ever know that's he's gay, and Tyler Joseph can never know he is madly in love with him.

He feels so much better when he's running on an empty stomach, and 2 hours of sleep and bone deep cuts to his thighs. He didn't understand why it felt so good when he was destroying his body.

Maybe because he knew that he was fat, Jenna was incredibly skinny and actually looked thin, unlike him, he was fat, his BMI was awful and he looked big as well, you could always see his rolls of fat and double chin. 

Maybe because when Jenna was running on two hours of sleep so was Tyler, and he would make sure to stay up with her and watch Netflix and cuddle. Josh never got that. Josh got a cold room and Tyler telling him to stop texting him because he was sleeping. 

Maybe because whenever Jenna got hurt or cried Tyler was right by her side bandaging her up, giving her hugs and kisses and telling her it was okay. When he was sad Tyler did help him up but never hugged him, nor did he kiss him or hug him it bandage him up, he just made sure he was okay. 

He wished he was Jenna. She was perfect in every way. Everyone liked her. Nobody liked him. He was the pointless drummer who was replaceable. 

Nobody cared about him.

It used to hurt him when he thought that.

It doesn't anymore.

He knows it's true.

Everyone hates him. 

Nobody likes him, and he's gone will that.

Because nobody will care if he's dead.

He'll just be a dead body who was never important, that everyone hated.

Even Tyler.

Because Tyler will be able to see all of Josh's failings. All the scars on his arms. All of the weeks he's gone without food. All the time pills entered his system and failed to destroy him, and the one time it did.

No no no no no Tyler can't see that, not ever, he needs the phone.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, so I'm really sorry if this is terrible but, I need constructive criticism not hate comments, so tell me what to improve on and I'll work on it and please tell me if I'm not tagging stuff properly I'm not 100% sure if I'm doing it right or not. This is gonna be the first in a series of one shots all set in the same timeline, usually they have the same sort of theme but sometimes it's different, this will go in order of how the songs are on twenty one pilots newest album blurry face, so let's see how this goes, also the story doesn't follow the words of the song it's just inspired. I'll probably put the lines that inspired me in the A/N of each one shot


End file.
